Kick-Ass Review (R)

If you are between the ages of 13 and 18, a self-proclaimed geek, not homosexual, not male, not white are shocked by your pedophile tendencies and would cry with glee at the sight of a rocket pack, you will probably enjoy this movie. Everyone else belonging to a minority, for fear of being either offended or made to feel too young or too old, you'd be better off watching How to Train Your Dragon.
There is only one other movie I considered prematurely walking out on lest my soul bleed from the holes under my fingernails I had to create just to stop the raping of my senses. Kick-Ass didn't quite measure up to that sort of torture, but I had the urge many times (which I could name). Perhaps my tastes have become too accustomed to real films, or perhaps I'm just not a teenager anymore, but I refused to conform to the rest of the audience's low standards of what makes an entertaining film. I was awkwardly frustrated when the room jolted from their seats to applaud the screen and one person yelled in sarcasm "That was a terrible movie!" to which everyone shared a group-bonding laugh about. Obviously Kick-Ass was a flick, designed to appeal to the flood of hormones of a teen, a guilty pleasure of fulfilled sexual fantasies, stardom, and rebellion, meshed with an open appreciation for one race of geek. It doesn't help that it would be accepted as freshness when the only activities in my town for underage night owls looking for some danger is spying on the hippies in the park.



Although I dare not emulate that Star Wars Review guy because it would require me to watch this movie again, I will discuss my reasons for bashing this movie here.
First and foremost, filmmakers who falsely advertise their work about one thing to get people in the door bother me to hell. This is often done for competitiveness, like Ants and A Bugs Life, or Final Fantasy having nothing to do with the game series (naming him Sid was a cheap movie). What I am referring to here is the trailers portray this movie about real-life superheroes. The main character states he is not some Peter Parker superhero who somehow miraculously develops some sort of special ability, yet his speedy recovery from a knife wound and car pummeling miraculously make him immune to some undefined level of pain. I acknowledge this could happen neurologically, but the premise was that he was an ordinary kid trying to making a difference as an influence to other normal people (presumably the audience). Instead he was a device to appeal to the raging hormones of teenage boys. Again, I am fine with a movie aimed at a particular audience, except the other half of the audience who expected a movie like Zach and Miri make a porno, Superbad, or maybe even Juno with the sarcastic yet awkward humor and bizarre real-life situations aimed toward younger adults, were shafted. The trailers had me stoked about a humorous/realist approach bringing awareness to the methods, intentions, and dangers faced by real-life superheroes (refer to the Examples section in this link). I knew it was a lie when a maturized child (if bootylicious can make it into the dictionary, so can I make up my own words) saves the main character by slashing off limbs, plunging knives into a drug ring of black men.
The movie held true to its claim for the first 30 minutes maybe. A kid attempts to do good in his neighborhood, facing his fears and landing himself close to death when he is stabbed by a bully (the car crash was overkill, but it provided the superhero ability). He has a crush on a girl who stereotypes him as a loser and hence avoids contact with him (are the old cliches the best?), until rumor of his accident reaches her ears and she becomes his sex slave (way to teach about protecting oneself when sexual impulses strike guys). Her character provides no other purpose than the tamed desirable, number one anti-feminist crime a movie can commit. But its okay because it is for a particular young male audience. The cheap thrills and sex scenes (her and him fucking randomly in an alley, how saucy) are lame, overused, blantantly obvious to anyone who isn't a layman when it comes to avoiding Hollywood crap for films with substance and decent storytelling. It also screams Transformers 2 when you shift focus of the camera to the badass little girl for the second half of the movie rather than continue to develop and move the story around the established main character Kick-Ass. Change the title to Teen Titan Raven impersonator and include some of the unpredictable gore in the trailers and you will actually be advertising the movie I regret paying to see.
And no I will not apologize to those of you who loved it and can't wait for the sequel.
It simply tried too hard.

Since posting this review, I have been informed of a contest credit of Topless Robot. Applicants must submit of 100 word concise description of a real-life super villain, their powerless abilities, and as in many cases their disturbingly absurd intentions.
Awesome. Only because its still a step up from this movie.